Im in love.

Im in love with the someone in the past. Im in love with the same person all over again. Deeper, in fact this time. Up till now im still amazed how we got in touch again after all those years we've been apart. It all started from just one text from him on fb. "Heyy".

THE PAST
Our mutual friends have been telling me how badly he wanted me back in his life, how desperate he was, asking help from my close friends, how he waited for me for more than a year. But i chose not to listen to any of those, cause I thought I deserve better than him. We had a good, 2 long years together in the past. And 90% of my secondary school life revolves around him. And whenever I reminisce about my secondary school days, his face would never fail to pop out in my mind. No one else. Only him. So I thought that 2 years was enough. I needed a break from him. Away from him.

Keyword: I thought.

MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS
Ive dated a few guys after him. And they werent the best a girl would ever ask for.

1) Ive dated a guy who said im 'distrupting' his relationship with God (he was a pious kid who spends most his time at the mosque). Really dude? No doubt, I once said I wanted a pious and responsible guy to lead me in life. But a guy who actually looked down on me just because Ive little knowledge on religion? Hah. Shame on you.

2) Ive dated a real douchbag who was a complete asshole. This, was indeed a mistake. I made so many sins with this guy. I learn how to steal, drank for the first time, I overdose myself with sleeping pills, I took drugs with him, and he took my virginity away like it was nothing. He even had the cheeks to cheat on me. Often, he'd beat me up, curse and hurl all kind of profanities to me. Sometimes, in public. I remember he had a stupid tiff with one of my friends and he asked me for his number. I refused to give it to him and he created a scene in the bus. I was so ashamed. Once we alighted, he pushed me. I fell on the ground, and he dragged me across the road....hmm yeh.

After each relationships, I found myself thinking about Aidil. But it was never the 'i-miss-him' thoughts. It was more like a "Aidil would never do that to me" kind of thoughts. I never really think much about him nor did I dwell on it. So, yeh truth is he would automatically appear in my head each time my rship ended.


HIS RSHIP
Months apart. We never talked anymore. Only heard from my friends that he has a gf. I be lying if I said I didnt get jealous. Sure, I do get jealous when I heard about it but I felt happier more. I was elated he finally found someone, and he's happy. The thing I wanted him to do most for the past 2 years after we broke up was for him to move on. And he did and I was happy for him. Sincerely.

HE TEXTED
I was never into him before. Not anymore, after we broke up. He did message me and stuff. But I tried to keep the conversation short cause I know he will ask for more. Whenever he tried to strike a conversation with me, I shut them down on him. Years went by. Have not heard from him since (not that I was waiting for his text). Never thought about him much the past years. I do came across his fb status on my timeline once in a while. But thats just it.

One day, he decided to drop me a message. "Hey, saw you at Tenaga coffee shop the other day". At first I didnt want to reply to him. I know how complicated things will get if I did. But I did anyway. Maybe I just wanted to know how he has been doing. We exchanged a few conversations and I tried to keep it as short as possible.

Then, he asked me out. I did not want to meet him at first. I know how complicated things will get if I did. But I agreed to meet anyway. Maybe I just want to see if there were any differences. Did he gain weight? Did he grow any more taller? Any changes to his face? His hair?

So we met. The first thing I found myself familiarizing was his smell. His scent rather. Yes, his scent was exactly the same, 6 years ago.

We had a good time together. We spent the whole day just talking and reminiscing about all the happy and sad moments we shared. How he remembers all the little details about me, how we first met, how we got together, how we spent almost every hour, every min, every sec in school etc. Like a blink of an eye, the day went by. He sent me home, and we hugged for few minutes. 

Suddenly the old feelings came rushing back.It was only then I realized, I've missed him. I've missed him so much. I realized I was making excuses for myself to talk to him, to see him, to hug him. I wish I could go back in time to just to be with him again and to make up the times that we lost each other, the times I broke his heart, the times he waited for about a year and a half for me. I want to make each day counts, with him.

But I guess everything has its own reason as to why certain things happened. I guess the years we're apart and those painful heartbreaks I experienced from my exs suddenly makes me realized how great of a man Aidil really is. It made me realized to appreciate his presence more. It made me realised that all those times he entered my mind was because I missed him. I miss being happy with him. I miss sharing the hard times with him. I miss his face, his eyes, his long eyelashes, his black natural eyeliner, his voices, his touches, his hugs, his kisses, everything.

Thank you, for entering my life again. Like they say, no matter how far we wander, if its meant to be, we'll be together again. And Ive learnt to cherish this relationship more than ever. I will love you, forever.

The End.

AnnoyingBitchyCharlotte

So i knew yat and this girl, Charlotte were in contact...as a friend. And i seriously dont mind at all. He told me that Charlotte has a depression and she wants to commit suicide (-.- which is utterly so immature) . She is currently residing in Switzerland right now So, i thought "Yeah, fine. Yat just wanna help her out. Besides, she lives in switz so there wont be any harm right."

Well apparently, that asshole Yat forgot to delete his conversation with that motherbitch and I happened to read it. And hey! Surprise surprise! They were talking about sex, screaming each other's name while doing so, cuddling each other in bed, liking each other. They even skyped together! God knows whether that bitch showed off her tits or smtg. Like tha fuck man? When i read those messages, yat tried to snatch his phone from me. So what does that proves? Guilty?

I went back home, locked my bedroom door and cried my eyes out (luckily no one saw me crying at home, else i'll be a laughing stock in the family). The one thing im pretty much upset was Yat never showed any kind of remorse, or apologetic at least. He even told me to break up. His mistake, but he's trying to cover up by breaking up with me. Aint that a very immature thing to do? I couldnt take it so I met him at Sengkang. Yes, i initiated the meetup. Not him. Me.

So many things happened. Dont wish to rant all of them here. Well yea Yat texted her that he dont want to talk her anymore. That, i really appreciate it. But it's just wasnt enough. History can repeat itself. Im pretty sure of it. Honestly, deep down in my heart even though i want this relationship to last, i doubt it can ):

End

It's over, me & you )':

I am crying so much right now. I cant believe you would do this to me. All these while my friends/my sister have been saying such nasty things about you, but i chose not to listen.

I pictured our future together. You got me thinking about our house and kids. We made all sorts of plans. I was too sure back then. What just happened? What am i doing? Why am I in this state? I just feel so pathetic right now. I feel like a worthless crap. I cant even get a guy to love me. Been falling for the wrong guy every time )': Everything's affecting me. Sometimes I wish could just leave from everyone's sight. Things would be much happier then.

I cant stop crying. You played me out then walked out on me. Thanks for the lesson

Liar

Recently i found out that yat played this social app thingy called "MeetMe" It's kinda like a facebook thing where you can socialise and meet new friends some stuffs like that? Okay so apparently that poor guy forgot to switch off his activity log in facebook, so thats how i come to know he plays 'em. His activity log was like... "Myth checked out (this girl) out". Actually i dont really care much about that. Yknw, boys being boys. The interesting part was when I asked yat, he DENIED everything. Yes, everything. The fact that he played that app, the fact he checked that girl out...he denied everything. And he can even claimed he's a faithful boyfriend. Like what the fuck?I never really wanna blow things up or make it into a big issue. But i hate it when the evidence is right there infront of me, yet he still has the cheek to lie to me. I forgive cheaters, but i dont forgive liars.

So when he claimed he's a "faithful boyfriend", I asked him whether I could check his facebook and stuff. I asked for his email and password, just to scare him out you see. I never really check my exs' facebook and all. I do have their email and password, but i never really check them. I mean there should be trust in relationships, right? Therefore, I trusted yat. But this was his reply "if you wanna start all this 'i have to know your password and stuff' i dont like it." That answer....no kidding. I wanna check his facebook more than anything in this world.

His excuses are all so lame. He said im being controlling? Which part of it is controlling? Controlling is like this. "Dont mix with your friends anymore" or "dont text ur girl-friends" or "dont look at any girls except me" Now thats being controlling freak. I merely asked for his facebook. Oh god i am so pissed whenever i recalled the words he cussed at me. And end up he asked for a breakup. Whatever. I cant tolerate this anymore. The more I tried in keeping this relationship together, the more hurt i get. He didnt even bother to make an effort or something. I hate how my personal problems affects my studies. I cant really think straight in school whenever I feel fucked up

i miss you. so much.

Hie. It's been awhile Ive posted in here. Well basically Im here only when I just feel like there is no one else to pour out my problems to, and sometimes I feel this is the best way to express myself. I do have twitter account, but I can't possibly rant every single thing there due to the character limits. So, screw twitter's 140 character limits. Yeah. \m/

Ive been bottling myself up these few days. I get sick often and nobody knows about it. Ive been experiencing shortness of breath lately. Went to doctor's few weeks ago and doctor said Im developing an acute asthma? So yeh, I should probably cut down on smoking zz

So..what am I thinking right now. Tons of things. Parents, school and relationship.

Parents. My parents are not in good terms. Not long ago, Dad chases Mom out of the room. He told Mom not to sleep with him in the same room anymore. Mom now sleeps on a small mattress in my brother's room while on the other hand, Dad just dont give a flying fuck about her. It really breaks my heart to pieces to see that. So what actually happened? Mom thinks Dad is cheating on her but up till now there isnt any evidence or prove to show that Dad is really cheating. Dad thinks me & sister are in cahoots with Mom, sort of letting Mom having those ideas in her head not stopping her. It's not true of course. We just don't wanna get involve with their love life. And right now, Dad has seriously a major issues with us both. Everything we did, is just an eyesore to him. Not long ago, me & Dad had a fight. It was the first time in my life I shouted at him. I went like "DIAM LA SIAL" to his face. Lol. It wasnt on purpose, I swear. I guess everything has its limit. Now its such a dread going home. I know it's not right to say this, but as much as Im grateful that Dad had brought me into this world, I wish he could just fuck off from my life. Life would be much happier then.

School. Recently I was caught for leaving my attachment workplace earlier then when I was supposed to. Due to that, I failed my posting and had to repeat it along with my classmate. I was given counselling after counselling afterwhich. Cried number of times whenever they asked this simple question. 'How is your parents? What are your parents doing?'. It was such a simple question but it brought me to tears whenever some stupid mofos asked me that. I had no idea I'd get so sensitive -.- So anyway, what Im trying to say is, I dont see any future of me becoming a nurse. Going to school and attachment is such a dread for me. Being a nurse is too tiring. Then what do I want to be? A question I always ask. Well to be honest, i dont even know myself.

Relationship. Me & Yat got together on October 12. It's been two months. Time flies. I love and care for him. He's the kind of boyfriend you would never sick and get tired of. But honestly, I dont know whether he is the right one for me. Im happy being with him but there is just something about him that causes me to think twice. His anger. You know how people would say 'If a guy raises his voice at your face, sooner or later dont be surprised if he raises his hand too.' That's the only thing I'm afraid of. I dont want to be a victim of an assault or something. Everytime we had a small argument, he'd turn it into a big issue. You know like, small spark making it into one hell of a fire? Yeah that. But not only that, he would mention the breakup E V E R Y T I M E. I know he's manipulating me by using that word. I know what he's doing. The feeling of power and superiority. Like he thinks he can control me like he owns me or smtg. He knows Im weak and I'd never give up on the relationship. But to tell you the truth, im already halfway giving up. I don't know how to deal with this kind of situation anymore. I'd say all these now but I know I'd always bounce back to him. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. If only he knows how much I cried for him and how much it hurts me when he tossed me aside like garbage. Somehow, I know we can never be together in the end cause deep down, I know Im not the one for him too )':

Unappreciated, unloved, unworthy.

its me against the world.

I will get over you. I promise.

Dear Muhd Aidil.

Look at these photos. Look at how happy we were. Yes, I did cry for you. There are things that we don’t want to happen, but have to accept. The saddest thing is that we fell in love with one another, only to find out in the very end that we weren’t meant to be together. There is only one thing that bothers me and kept me questioning. Why do people have to lose things to find out what they really mean to them? You did great shits to me - intentional or not, I kept on fighting. You left so many deep scars in my heart and up till now, I am still not sure how the hell I was able to keep holding on for you. Whatever million words you said to me now, will never bring us back together. Cause relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurting yourself by putting them back together. What is broken is broken. I would rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it. It’s over. Thanks for the bitter and sweet memories you’d given to me. You make me laugh, you make me cry. There’s still that little love from me to you, i admit. Please, do not forget me because i dont think i can ever forget you. We’ll meet again, somehow. I hope you’re doing good in school. Face the future from now on instead of getting stuck in the past. Im sure, there are much more better girls out there that deserve you more than me. I will miss you, Muhd Aidil.

Its been a while ladies

My love life is in a mess. But ive no intention on fixing it. Haixzs.

Happy Birthday To Muhd Khairul Azhar Bin Salleh.

An irritating brother, who always sneaks around in my room to steal my money/ciggies whenever im asleep or when im not in my room. And when I caught him red-handed, he would just smile to me and walk away as if none of this happened. Hahaha. Despite you being our family thief, i still love you my brother! Wah seh. Happy 19th Birthday and stay happy.

):

Hello dear readers. Today's my off day. So i grab this chance to go out with my mom again. Been trying keep myself occupied.

Happy birthday Afic

Taken on last saturday

i feel stupid, really.

fuck everyone.

Had a tough week. From lectures to scoldings to beatings -.- I feel like shit nowadays. Ive been a really bad friend and a bad daughter. Keh tknk emo banyak uh. I just wanna say sorry to all those ive caused countless troubles and I promise I work hard starting from today. I wanna start praying soon. Hahaha. Yessss, i know i said that the last time. But what happened eh. Semangat lima minit aja. Hopefully not this time round.

I gotta blog what happened yesterday. I skipped school. And the chairman of my course called my mom up and yeahp, thanks alot eh Mr Leong. He wants to meet me on monday regarding my poor attendance. Wish me luck.