i miss you. so much.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Hie. It's been awhile Ive posted in here. Well basically Im here only when I just feel like there is no one else to pour out my problems to, and sometimes I feel this is the best way to express myself. I do have twitter account, but I can't possibly rant every single thing there due to the character limits. So, screw twitter's 140 character limits. Yeah. \m/
Ive been bottling myself up these few days. I get sick often and nobody knows about it. Ive been experiencing shortness of breath lately. Went to doctor's few weeks ago and doctor said Im developing an acute asthma? So yeh, I should probably cut down on smoking zz
So..what am I thinking right now. Tons of things. Parents, school and relationship.
Parents. My parents are not in good terms. Not long ago, Dad chases Mom out of the room. He told Mom not to sleep with him in the same room anymore. Mom now sleeps on a small mattress in my brother's room while on the other hand, Dad just dont give a flying fuck about her. It really breaks my heart to pieces to see that. So what actually happened? Mom thinks Dad is cheating on her but up till now there isnt any evidence or prove to show that Dad is really cheating. Dad thinks me & sister are in cahoots with Mom, sort of letting Mom having those ideas in her head not stopping her. It's not true of course. We just don't wanna get involve with their love life. And right now, Dad has seriously a major issues with us both. Everything we did, is just an eyesore to him. Not long ago, me & Dad had a fight. It was the first time in my life I shouted at him. I went like "DIAM LA SIAL" to his face. Lol. It wasnt on purpose, I swear. I guess everything has its limit. Now its such a dread going home. I know it's not right to say this, but as much as Im grateful that Dad had brought me into this world, I wish he could just fuck off from my life. Life would be much happier then.
School. Recently I was caught for leaving my attachment workplace earlier then when I was supposed to. Due to that, I failed my posting and had to repeat it along with my classmate. I was given counselling after counselling afterwhich. Cried number of times whenever they asked this simple question. 'How is your parents? What are your parents doing?'. It was such a simple question but it brought me to tears whenever some stupid mofos asked me that. I had no idea I'd get so sensitive -.- So anyway, what Im trying to say is, I dont see any future of me becoming a nurse. Going to school and attachment is such a dread for me. Being a nurse is too tiring. Then what do I want to be? A question I always ask. Well to be honest, i dont even know myself.
Relationship. Me & Yat got together on October 12. It's been two months. Time flies. I love and care for him. He's the kind of boyfriend you would never sick and get tired of. But honestly, I dont know whether he is the right one for me. Im happy being with him but there is just something about him that causes me to think twice. His anger. You know how people would say 'If a guy raises his voice at your face, sooner or later dont be surprised if he raises his hand too.' That's the only thing I'm afraid of. I dont want to be a victim of an assault or something. Everytime we had a small argument, he'd turn it into a big issue. You know like, small spark making it into one hell of a fire? Yeah that. But not only that, he would mention the breakup E V E R Y T I M E. I know he's manipulating me by using that word. I know what he's doing. The feeling of power and superiority. Like he thinks he can control me like he owns me or smtg. He knows Im weak and I'd never give up on the relationship. But to tell you the truth, im already halfway giving up. I don't know how to deal with this kind of situation anymore. I'd say all these now but I know I'd always bounce back to him. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. If only he knows how much I cried for him and how much it hurts me when he tossed me aside like garbage. Somehow, I know we can never be together in the end cause deep down, I know Im not the one for him too )':
Unappreciated, unloved, unworthy.
Ive been bottling myself up these few days. I get sick often and nobody knows about it. Ive been experiencing shortness of breath lately. Went to doctor's few weeks ago and doctor said Im developing an acute asthma? So yeh, I should probably cut down on smoking zz
So..what am I thinking right now. Tons of things. Parents, school and relationship.
Parents. My parents are not in good terms. Not long ago, Dad chases Mom out of the room. He told Mom not to sleep with him in the same room anymore. Mom now sleeps on a small mattress in my brother's room while on the other hand, Dad just dont give a flying fuck about her. It really breaks my heart to pieces to see that. So what actually happened? Mom thinks Dad is cheating on her but up till now there isnt any evidence or prove to show that Dad is really cheating. Dad thinks me & sister are in cahoots with Mom, sort of letting Mom having those ideas in her head not stopping her. It's not true of course. We just don't wanna get involve with their love life. And right now, Dad has seriously a major issues with us both. Everything we did, is just an eyesore to him. Not long ago, me & Dad had a fight. It was the first time in my life I shouted at him. I went like "DIAM LA SIAL" to his face. Lol. It wasnt on purpose, I swear. I guess everything has its limit. Now its such a dread going home. I know it's not right to say this, but as much as Im grateful that Dad had brought me into this world, I wish he could just fuck off from my life. Life would be much happier then.
School. Recently I was caught for leaving my attachment workplace earlier then when I was supposed to. Due to that, I failed my posting and had to repeat it along with my classmate. I was given counselling after counselling afterwhich. Cried number of times whenever they asked this simple question. 'How is your parents? What are your parents doing?'. It was such a simple question but it brought me to tears whenever some stupid mofos asked me that. I had no idea I'd get so sensitive -.- So anyway, what Im trying to say is, I dont see any future of me becoming a nurse. Going to school and attachment is such a dread for me. Being a nurse is too tiring. Then what do I want to be? A question I always ask. Well to be honest, i dont even know myself.
Relationship. Me & Yat got together on October 12. It's been two months. Time flies. I love and care for him. He's the kind of boyfriend you would never sick and get tired of. But honestly, I dont know whether he is the right one for me. Im happy being with him but there is just something about him that causes me to think twice. His anger. You know how people would say 'If a guy raises his voice at your face, sooner or later dont be surprised if he raises his hand too.' That's the only thing I'm afraid of. I dont want to be a victim of an assault or something. Everytime we had a small argument, he'd turn it into a big issue. You know like, small spark making it into one hell of a fire? Yeah that. But not only that, he would mention the breakup E V E R Y T I M E. I know he's manipulating me by using that word. I know what he's doing. The feeling of power and superiority. Like he thinks he can control me like he owns me or smtg. He knows Im weak and I'd never give up on the relationship. But to tell you the truth, im already halfway giving up. I don't know how to deal with this kind of situation anymore. I'd say all these now but I know I'd always bounce back to him. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. If only he knows how much I cried for him and how much it hurts me when he tossed me aside like garbage. Somehow, I know we can never be together in the end cause deep down, I know Im not the one for him too )':
Unappreciated, unloved, unworthy.
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